So ... my Mum's a cheating whore.

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tannii
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So ... my Mum's a cheating whore.

Post by tannii » Mon May 09, 2005 11:54 am

My parents marriage wasn't exactly based on love. My father was divorced and lonely, and my mother was young and naive. My father persued her and persued her, and she admittedly married him out of pity. There is a 15 year age gap between the two.

About 6 months ago I was using my mum's phone to send a message to a friend, and I went into the Sent Messages to delete my message (out of habit) and I stumbled across some pretty incriminating stuff. Text messages to a phone number that hadn't been saved under any name with things like "I'll come over tonight and cook you a romantic dinner" and "Sorry baby, I was going to come over tonight but my daughter wanted me at home" etc, with the final one being "Why don't you call me? Do you want to end it? Call me!" Of course, I started getting a bit suspicious.

Fast forward a little bit, and we're up to about three months ago. I remained suspicious, and checked her phone every few weeks after I found the first messages. I hadn't checked for about a month and a half, and I was throughly shocked/disgusted when I found messages saying things like "I want to see you again", "Your phone call this morning meant the world to me", "Love you more than you know" and "You can't do that, it'd hurt to much. You need a wet, slippery p---- to fix that!" It was a different phone number this time though, and I was trying to piece it together.

About a month later, there were new messages, and the phone number had been saved as "Duncan". One of the messages indicated that Mum had a Yahoo account which I assumed they'd been using to communicate. I hopped on the net and went into Mum's AOL account and looked up her old e-mails. You must suggest that there are privacy issues involved in this, but as I was under the impression that my mother was being a dirty whore, I wasn't too concerned about how she would feel about me reading her emails. Anyway, so I hit jackpot. I found a short exchange between my mother and a man named Duncan B. Apparently they were involved in Papua New Guinea where I grew up, and they had only just started talking again. I knew they were both emotionally and sexually involved because in an email from him, he wrote "I would love to see you again. I know the love-making was great, but just seeing you again and being with you.." Reading that had to be the most shocking moment of my life.

Just about a week ago I decided that a more effective way of finding out more was to find out what she was doing on the internet. If she had another email account, I could find it by looking at her History. I did, and I found out a LOT more than I ever wished to. Firstly, I found her Yahoo account. This led on to me finding that she had an account with Passion.com, and adult "friend-finder" site. After a bit of wondering around, and found her profile. It was titled "ROMANTIC BABE" and apparently my mother is a female wanting a male for a discreet relationship. She goes on to write that she loves golf and tennis, and is looking for an adventurous man for some risky sex. She wants to "try something new". It's disgusting.

So, what is it that I'm supposed to be feeling? I know my mother is miserable in her marriage, as she told Duncan B, but is this any excuse? She's such a bitch to my Dad too. I would never, ever want my father to find out because he's suffering from depression and needs pills to be happy. And he's tried the whole suicide thing as well. So, no telling Father. And I could never confront my mother about it. Firstly, because she's a bit of a psycho, but secondly, I like having an upper-hand. Even if she doesn't know I have an upper-hand.
Jesus, lol.

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Post by Nekra » Mon May 09, 2005 12:07 pm

Ashamed, not with you mother, but with yourself. FFS she is a grown women who is probabaly looking for something your father cannot offer, has it occurred to you that he might know? If you really want to know whats going on, confront her with it. Like you should have done at the start. Ask her whats going on. You may be right, she might be cheating on your dad, then again he might know about it, then is it really cheating? And even if she is cheating on him, does that change your relationship with her?
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Post by RadicalDreamer » Mon May 09, 2005 12:16 pm

[quote="Nekra";p="492713"]And even if she is cheating on him, does that change your relationship with her?[/quote]

It usually does in these kinds of situations.

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Rorschach
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Post by Rorschach » Mon May 09, 2005 12:23 pm

I'd confront your mother. This thing is just going to keep eating at you until you make an attempt to resolve it.

If she's a filthy, dirty ho who enjoys sickening acts of depravity - then you're going to have to deal with that
If she's a lonely woman with natural needs trapped in a loveless marriage and forced to seek physical affection elsewhere - you're going to have to deal with that

You're going to have to know which it is, really, before you can make any informed judgement

My sympathies. Shitty situation to say the least
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Post by Fixer » Mon May 09, 2005 3:34 pm

[quote="Nekra";p="492713"]Ashamed, not with you mother, but with yourself.[/quote]
/me shoves a camel prod up Nekra's %!&

I am sure the best response to a person who has been shocked and appalled by their parent's behavior is not to go telling them to be ashamed of themselves, dumbass. I strongly dislike you now for your insensitivity (before you were just amusingly annoying).

tannii, I discovered, many years after the fact, that my father had apparently had affairs on my mother when I was still pre-pubescent. I cannot say how I would react in your circumstance, except to say that telling your mother than you know about her infidelity. She will either get angry, become apologetic, or both. In any event, your relationship with your mother will change, and you will probably end up deciding which parent best represents how you wish to grow up. However, you should not judge your mother, or your father, because judgement is something that should generally be avoided. Karma has an unusual way of working itself out.

When my ex-wife cheated on me, I did not wish ill upon her, I even helped her out on a couple ocassions just as I would any person I didn't know well. The bitterness will drag you down and needs to be avoided. Just rely on the truth, tell your mother that you know, and then 'strongly suggest' that she come clean with your father or she is just using him. Unless he is WAY more understanding than I can imagine, their marriage will likely terminate.

You are in a bad situation, that does not mean you have to go with it. Keep your head above water and try to do the right thing.

Oh, and ignore Nekra.
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Post by Kyros » Mon May 09, 2005 6:23 pm

Wow, that's a terrible situation and one I can relate to a bit considering my mother ran around on my Dad when I was a kid.

If I were you i'd definatley confront her about it, I wouldn't be able to keep it to myself as long as you have. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
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Post by sneaky ninja » Mon May 09, 2005 7:09 pm

tanni, Fixer and the others are right. This is, I imagine, a huge burden to carry alone. Please don't put put yourself through that. Confronting your mother seems to be the best choice here, but whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck.

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Post by Nekra » Mon May 09, 2005 8:51 pm

Fixer, coming from the fact my father did cheat on my mother i am telling you that while it effected my parents relationship, and through that indirectly effected my relationship with them. It had NO direct effect upon me and my relationship with my father or my mother. Quite simply the relationship between my father and mother was their relationship, and like i owuldn't want them interfering in any relationship i have i respect that i should have no interference in theirs, and i wont.

While Tanni's intention may be for what she considers a good reason she has still spied on her mothers personnel life. And for that she should be ashamed. So Fixer stop being such an arrogant prick.
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Post by Blaze » Mon May 09, 2005 9:54 pm

Have you considered perhaps speaking with a professional conselor first, on the issue? I would say you need to confront her, but a professional conselor, who would better understand your Father's medical condition, the state of your estate, the laws in your area, so on and so forth, may have better advice.

I'm sorry.
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Post by SunTzu » Mon May 09, 2005 10:29 pm

[quote="Nekra";p="492898"]Fixer, coming from the fact my father did cheat on my mother i am telling you that while it effected my parents relationship, and through that indirectly effected my relationship with them. It had NO direct effect upon me and my relationship with my father or my mother. Quite simply the relationship between my father and mother was their relationship, and like i owuldn't want them interfering in any relationship i have i respect that i should have no interference in theirs, and i wont.

While Tanni's intention may be for what she considers a good reason she has still spied on her mothers personnel life. And for that she should be ashamed. So Fixer stop being such an arrogant prick.[/quote]

It affects the relationship in the way that her respect for her mother is diminished. Kinda like you, and everyone whos read this thread.

Anyways, i really dunno what to say. If he's suicidal it could be that they're just toghether becouse your mother doesnt want you father to find out, and kill himself, and that she cannot live the way she would without her affair(s?).

But then, it doesnt seem like she's just fallen in love with someone, more like that she's been looking for someone to fuck with.

So... the evidence points to the dirty whore theory :(

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Post by Deacon » Tue May 10, 2005 2:23 am

[quote="Nekra";p="492898"]While Tanni's intention may be for what she considers a good reason she has still spied on her mothers personnel life. And for that she should be ashamed.[/quote]
Why?

Also, while you're actually answering a question rather than repeating yourself, I'd remind you that when you're in a family, a mother and a wife, you don't get to have a "personal life" like you're suggesting.
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Post by StruckingFuggle » Tue May 10, 2005 2:24 am

Also, while you're actually answering a question rather than repeating yourself, I'd remind you that when you're in a family, a mother and a wife, you don't get to have a "personal life" like you're suggesting.
... The fuck? How do you mean "like he's suggesting"?
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Post by Deacon » Tue May 10, 2005 2:32 am

Like, I don't know, CHEATING for starters. When you're a spouse and parent, your "personal life" is no longer personal. It is shared by your spouse and often with your children as well. You don't get to have a secretive "personal life" that includes fucking around on your spouse with various different people. That's part of the whole monogamy thing and faithfulness all that. Sure, you may have your own hobbies and such, but those hobbies better not include the sharing of genitals with people other than your spouse.

And from an expectation of privacy standpoint, which is also kinda silly, sharing computers, cell phones, and other such things that you're using as tools of the pursuit means you have no reasonable expectation of "privacy" for your illicit communications and are either a) a doofus/airhead/etc for being found out or b) were kinda hoping to be found out. I mean, for crying out loud, here, she didn't need a freaking warrant to check up on the suspicious activities of her mother. Even if she were law enforcement, I think most judges would agree that she had "probablc cause" in this case :)

*EDIT* i r not teh speel gud
Last edited by Deacon on Tue May 10, 2005 2:35 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Post by StruckingFuggle » Tue May 10, 2005 2:33 am

Alright then. Something about your text made me think you were saying you weren't entitled to a private life at all, hence "the fuck?" ...

Clarification is good. :)
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Post by Martin Blank » Tue May 10, 2005 2:52 am

There's a difference between getting some private time with friends, and having a part of one's life that could dramatically affect the mental and physical health and well-being of the rest of the family.

What happens if she brings home hepatitis and doesn't know it? That kind of thing can be transmitted more easily than one may think.

What happens if Dad finds out himself? Severe depression may not lead to just suicidal thoughts, but possibly also manic thoughts as well.

Blaze had the best advice: Talk to a professional about the situation and seek advice on how to handle it. Sooner or later, this is going to come out, and you need to be prepared for what happens when it does.
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